MySpaceMomma

giving up is the hardest thing to do

2012-02-14T09:42:00.001-08:00

dreams survive not through the encourager.

dreams survive through the dream holder.

the ones who dreamed

and never let go

the ones who encouraged

dreams of the kids

dreams of the people

dreams of the lovers

dreams of the teachers

and rings for the pleasers

wanted to be there

wanted to see

wishing i had my kids

all that love me dearly.

Stuck

2012-02-14T09:14:00.001-08:00

Hoodie n blanket

all i need?

ya right,

wat a queen!

stupid again

i’ve been tortured enough

giving up on all dreams

but not family’s love.

it used to be different

yes, this is true

my babies they had

the best of new shoes.

i tried and tried

to give them my all.

it was never enough

and i realize that now.

these streets are cold

but not as cold as they knew,

they all know i loved them

without condition or toll.

why would they do this

after all these years?

if i don’t deserve love

stories will be left untold.

nothing is all.

yes. that is all.

i can’t understand

when the night mare will end.

it is tiring for sure

i hate ask 4 help.

lord knows at this point

i must cherish myself.

sun stricken and red,

cheeks no longer pucker for smiles…

only burn with desire

for this challenge to end.

i used to say how we’ve loved.

time knows no more what i’’ve seen.

it’s not what i want,

i am never complete.

Alone

2012-02-14T09:03:00.001-08:00

Alone in this world,

sew it may seem,

just say the word,

new light in my eyes

was looking for love,

was it already found?

do I know who I am

with or without a crown

no need for games

or scripts or new places

just keep showing us

beautiful human faces

smiles and eyes

fill empty spaces

trials galore

races no more

meant to be?

or no i in team?

almost…

2011-06-30T08:52:00.001-07:00

9/9/10 letter to the LA TIMES… I tried…lol

2011-06-27T02:42:00.000-07:00

Hello, IT is only a resume. I have forwarded it from my Samsung Caliber. I am confident that you may be thinking that this is not the traditional process of applying; however, I am thinking that the old ways are not supposed to work. Hence, our recession. :-) This should start a new paragraph in this life work letter; but, somehow, 2day's technology has neglected to provide me with the return option when working my system unemployment spectacle position through my Metro PCS touch screen. This provides me a great opportunity to apologize in advance for my failure as a new writer with the L.A. TyMEzzzzzz. I love your paper and expect to hear from you soon regarding my better luck next time. Thank you and I just hope that you remember me when I.M. gone; but, always remember... smile.check. xoxo LinneaLove.MinusTheSOnMyChest.L.A.

2 ALL my kiddoz

2011-05-08T15:37:00.000-07:00

remember this?

how many will it take?

my biggest fear was to add another picture to that frame.

through stresses and fights we never thought,

our family would be separate,

worse than apart ments with walls.

I swear I didn’t drag you with to achieve

but, to hold on to this state,

cuz you were all that I had

2 lose you, I thought 2 my feelings… no1 could ever relate…

seeing past the walls,

grateful that you all live.

God’s plan wasn’t for frowns,

but to live, learn and forgive.

So, as I write this letter and

tears drip from my face,

please remember my heart never stopped loving you

and my mind has forever memories of your face.

Evil is out there,

temptation you see…

temptation even haunted Jesus---

2day it’s wild erness in the streets.

I love you all and please remember my words,

Believe in yourself and

God’s always in control.

I love you.

mom

the fact or

2011-04-12T18:35:00.001-07:00

the fact or

or the fact x me is

some said 1 did 1 didn’t

but that’s only 1 biz.

now my space is your space

houston we got some thing

problem please not it

need in only 1 – strings

split blog

2011-03-16T08:57:00.000-07:00

cuz im some wat x11 like u, that pic doesnt have to be perfect, u may try to mold u 2 fit too. now closing my eyes, half red and blue. tired and hurt. good luck. u kcuf esrever x2. in other words, i will always love u.

split blog

2011-03-16T08:41:00.000-07:00

i really bought the rose for u. 2 remember the love, instead of your lies. remember my heart, u chose the prize. red rose traditionally means love, y? cuz my heart feels like its bleeding, from your love undefined? wat do u want? y treat me unkind? tried to still be your friend, heart overpowered my mind. maybe i should have never let u know i was here? maybe i should have been thru? is ur bike really missionary, wit a disguise of the truth? leave me bee, ill bee ok. save my tears for pillows and showers, while u count the hours? should i believe u, or anything called true? u hurt me the worst cuz u cant live witout power? God bless. ill leave your real red rose at the front desk when i leave. always remember i loved u more than words or poems could say. straight from the heart minus polotics, fs, money and games. the word value over my love, should have changed my name. if nothing else gangsta please remember 1 thing. i never fucked u. making love is my frame. paint your picture

my new cover letter, get your kix…. lol

2011-02-08T11:54:00.001-08:00

Dear ======,

I am writing regarding your position as ====== listed =======.

I have been in several domestic violence relationships in the past. Are you brave enough to hire me? I possess nothing without something and something with nothing. I would love to contribute all of the above to your organization.

Thank you for your time and I look forward to meeting with you regarding the outstanding possibilities of me being part of your team.

Sincerely,

REVISIT....

2011-01-13T01:13:00.001-08:00

Tuesday, September 1, 2009
letter to fam about my health, mostly
my current goal is to walk 5 miles a day.

i have stopped all my medications except for my blood pressure medicine, mature daily vitamin, and extra strength tylenol as needed for pain. every time i went to the doctor, they would give me more medicine to take. i felt like i was a beaker in a chemistry class waiting to explode and disintegrate.

the wake up call for me was when i went to the pain management dr for a b12 shot because i found out my b12 was low. when i got there, he said he didn't have the shot then tried to give me ambien and 2 other medicines on top of the pain, diabetes, blood pressure, cholesterol, asthma meds i was already taking. i explained to him that i had researched low b12 and alot of the symptoms that i'm having sound like that will help me and that i would really like to reschedule and go with something natural if that is the cause. i was kind of insistent on it; therefore, he rescheduled. i decided i don't particularly care for/trust doctors at that point. don't get me wrong... i think his intentions were good... i just don't think he was treating the problem, just the symptoms.

in my research, i found that our bodies store b12 for 5 years; therefore, whatever is making my b12 low has to have started 5 years ago. it is rare in people my age. it can cause depression, fatigue, etc. i went back for my shot and found that the mature vitamins have 412% b12 in them. so, i have been taking those also. i had bad chest pains last weekend; because, i ran out of my blood pressure meds and ended up in the er. they said that my potassium is low also. so, i'll be looking into a natural solution for that. i imagine that the potassium is low because i've been losing weight at a rate of about 10 lbs a month. i am scared to have the surgery at this point; therefore, i'm just trying to change lifestyle and it seems to be working.

my back pain was terrible last night to the point where i couldn't walk; but, somehow, today i am ok. thank god. :-)
Posted by Education Meets Hip Hop at 5:49 PM

me

2011-01-03T04:08:00.001-08:00

take me to the coffee shop?

2010-09-28T14:58:00.000-07:00

i'm not sure who the man is that usually sits here; but, there's something magical about sitting in this disabled chair at the coffee shop when i'm feeling broken. Facing hollywood blvd. as my laptop replaces his typewriter and my feminine eyes are blurred into focus by not having the priveledge of wearing glasses to clear my love blinded sight... like his. i.am. still blessed to have the sun kiss my forearm as a wrYte these lines into my spiral notepad.

from this little corner window is what i would like to think should be my world, .almost. everything i ever dreamed of right outside these unlocked window panes.

As I look at the window displays at fredericks of hollywood, my most favorite store in the world, i could sit here and write a song about how i wear their underwear & panties like they are my coats for my mid summer nights dream. i'm not sure which one that was anyways... mcdonalds and musicians institute created the bread for a sandwich that the sign in between the triple layers for the guinness world records shop, the green room and drays. the diversity of life is epic and priceless. and the bumblebee still flys by and waves his wings as if in an effort 2 say hi.

i feel just like the old sould who sits here with his typewriter, part of me wants to share like never before all the trials and tribulations in my life that have brought me to this double edged seat. then again, the lace from my red bra that sparkles more than the glitter in this pen tells a different story of me. although i.am. an old soul. i have so much that i have not lived and much more of life left in front of me. i am not perfect yet i am broken and future untied.

the coffee shop is a great place to hibernate and hide behind the headphones and computer screen from this world and the needs of the world that i.am. allowing to pass me by right before my eyes. this is what i used to do when my children were around.

that was then.
this is now.
the i.am of tomorrow i would hope 2 should bee a brighter day.
seat or feet, i like both dream or no dreams...

exactly

2010-09-27T20:41:00.001-07:00

Exactly is what was meant to be,
Exactly is where dreams WILL be seen,
Exactly through times of hearts that break,
Exactly the things that harm and take,
Exactly with trials unknown to bear,
Exactly with edges too torn to tear,
Exactly with roads so asphalted they slide,
Exactly with turns too confusing to try,
Exactly the thoughts that tell us to give up,
Exactly what comes before but persistance triumphs,
Exactly is that place to be,
but...
Exactly, will 2ME you ever be seen?

love handles

2010-07-22T08:56:00.000-07:00

Love Handles and ME Double Shadows,
like life's journey ahead,
is IT imperfectly perfect,
Or perfectly imperfect, instead?

Love handles-
Baby, i got your back, I believe...
2 ME all part of life’s lessons,
what dreams? the 1's some can't yet see?

Once thought to be bad,
but now it’s all good?
learning to forgive and forget,
focus 2 improve ME, just like in God’s mood?

Beauty in angles?
Or smoove round and round?
Triangles like mountains,
either high or low on the ground?

WrYting turns to WrITing,
Because the beauty we see in IT,
No matter the shape,
Y? we are all imperfect Yet perfect.

When WE finally loves ME
and U loves all other WE,
I love ME brings new meaning,
Not just 2 ME meaning ME,
But when ME+U2=3?

Formula for circumfrencec=DxPi
thanks to those round this world who heard,
Through distance and time,
Because the sum of triangle’s 2 sides still equals the length of that third.

Perfectly imperfect,
Our world is IT's true,
IT’s not a ME world,
But a ME+U world when smiles are x2.

ME + U,
New King, is that you?
2gether cups runneth over,
love + patience is brand new.

Triangles & circles,
what brings champions rings?
still learning daily,
just to fulfill all human needs.

Eat, sleep, & cry.
we all start with basic needs through life,
Then we are left to wonder the Y?
I guess things change as time passes by,

We learn to cry as women,
And men feel no pain?
even thugs need love,
love is love with each Game.

Some things are just natural,
hate to see love leave,
But want to watch new growth,
are we all on A team?

some days full cloud cover,
Sometimes hiding sweet shine,
nature always there,
Never behind perfect time.

They say you have to crawl,
B4 you can walk,
sometimes we must come from a mountain's bottom,
before we can land on top?

Definitions of normal,
dysfunctional too,
Who writes romance rules,
if we all started from two?

Each dna individual,
Unique and priceless alike,
According to God’s plan,
Every ME timing is just right.

trying to love ME love handles,
need more transforming day and night,
They, each one has it’s beauty,
A story just right.

asking Me 2 judge each love handle with,
Careful scrutiny and care,
Knowing all are Imperfect,
Y should WE in the World have any cares?

Love waking up with him,
nothing could be better than the perfect side of the bed,
Diagonal may seem abnormal,
but Y not circle with him also instead?

above....

2010-05-10T17:01:00.000-07:00

Helicopters and planes free...
souls from windy streets.
Velocity...
measures THESE times.
Treasures...
pleasure SOME minds.
Love like this...
Fantasy sublime.
Have a little faith...
Give a LOT of Love.
Passions of THE Heart...
MUST be sent from above.

ifwould

2010-05-10T15:28:00.000-07:00

if IT planted ME,
would IT grow ME?

if IT inked ME,
would IT shrink ME?

if IT caught ME,
would IT throw ME?

if IT changed ME,
would IT claim ME?

if IT loved ME,
would IT show ME?

if IT found ME,
would IT know SHE?

God bless america.

2010-04-22T11:47:00.001-07:00

or something.

i'm not gonna lie...

2009-12-01T23:07:00.001-08:00

Smaller version... ;-)

She wakes before sunlight with ridiculous dreams...
Someday. Yes, someday they'll come to know her true being...
She uses her pen and hopes faithfulness brings...
Peace for family, friends, and all living things...

Or...

Are some things meant to be that... Just dreams???
Fairytales and blossom trails...
Are they ever really what they seem?
Bubbles pop, rain splatters...
She's ponders the 'Why?'...

Or...

Is it simply the air between us that matters?

TheEmptyChapter...

2009-11-11T18:54:00.001-08:00

ugh...... i just read this old blog (scroll down to read) from when i was in az. today, i am so confused and mad at myself for writing that. it makes me dizzy and feel like i wanna faint because i am so sick about how smart i made myself sound about love.

the past months have taught me that i don't choose who loves and cares about me. God does. how could i have ever thought that i would be the one to control that? why would i even want to control that? who did i think i was? who does that make me now?

days like this make me more and more grateful for the beautiful people in my life who have cared about me... little things count now... lately it seems people have cared about us more than ever... sometimes more than i cared about myself. sometimes i think about the little things that our family has been blessed with and i wonder why.

i know it sounds weird; but, i feel guilty for people caring about me sometimes. it's not that i don't want to be loved or cared about, it's just that i want to figure out how to do it by myself. it seems the more i try to do things on my own, the more dependent i become on the world around me.

a hall of famer (literally) friend in az told me before i got sick last year that i thought i didn't deserve to be treated well. i denied it. i look back and realize that i didn't even know what he was talking about. he did. he always had my family's best interest in mind and i thought it was too good to be true. i've done that with several people.

all i can say is that it's no wonder i'm at an empty page in my life. it's been an empty chapter. i miss all my friends and family like crazy. someone come fill in the blanks. pleaaaaaaazee! mmmmmmmkay thx.

****************Throwback Blog***********************

July 11, 2006 - Tuesday
How do you distinguish between loving someone as a soulmate and loving someone as a friend?
Current mood: okay
Category: Romance and Relationships
Entry for July 10, 2006
How do you distinguish between loving someone as a soulmate and loving someone as a friend? When you have so much love in your heart to give, it's hard to tell when you figure out what true love really is. So, I did a bit of research???? Love is defined by webster as:

transitive verb
1 : to hold dear : CHERISH
2 a : to feel a lover's passion, devotion, or tenderness for b (1) : CARESS (2) : to fondle amorously (3) : to copulate with
3 : to like or desire actively : take pleasure in
4 : to thrive in
intransitive verb : to feel affection or experience desire

Main Entry: 1love
Pronunciation: 'l&v
Function: noun
Etymology: Middle English, from Old English lufu; akin to Old High German luba love, Old English lEof dear, Latin lubEre, libEre to please
1 a (1) : strong affection for another arising out of kinship or personal ties (2) : attraction based on sexual desire : affection and tenderness felt by lovers (3) : affection based on admiration, benevolence, or common interests b : an assurance of love
2 : warm attachment, enthusiasm, or devotion
3 a : the object of attachment, devotion, or admiration b (1) : a beloved person : DARLING -- often used as a term of endearment (2) British -- used as an informal term of address
4 a : unselfish loyal and benevolent concern for the good of another: as (1) : the fatherly concern of God for humankind (2) : brotherly concern for others b : a person's adoration of God
5 : a god or personification of love
6 : an amorous episode : LOVE AFFAIR
7 : the sexual embrace : COPULATION
8 : a score of zero (as in tennis)
9 capitalized, Christian Science : GOD
- at love : holding one's opponent scoreless in tennis
- in love : inspired by affection

My conclusion, I am choosing to love when it comes to certain people at this point in my life. I hold dear/love those that are most special in my life. (You know who you are.) Neither the noun nor verb definition of love is defined by a specific type of person, place, or thing other than God. God is the only person guaranteed to receive my love. Therefore, if you're one of those "certain people" then consider yourself lucky!

What's cool about all this is that I can also choose to not embrace/love others; but, I choose to love. If my love is betrayed, I still choose to love. I choose to tailor my love so that I meet the needs of those I care about. I love with the goal to not sacrifice my values and goals for the sake of something that's not guaranteed from any human.

But doesn't love go both ways? There's nothing that says that... it's either to give or recieve... it doesn't have to be both, right? The only love I need to receive in my life is God's love. If I choose to let a person love me, it is a priviledge. I guess my thinking is different than others because it's easier for me to give love than to receive it. I choose to give love because the feeling of being able to give my heart is uncomparable to any other. It's good to be loved; but, better to love. I choose to give love while selectively allowing myself choose those whom I receive love from and when to receive it. Don't let it scare you, I receive freely unless you give me reason not to.

God is the only one who has the master key to my heart. To all others: I love you always; but, I'm sorry that you only hold the temporary key to get in. I've got to be able to change the lock sometimes when the keys are compromised! Sorry! I'll always let the love out; but, in order for you to get in, you have to make sure you don't lose or destroy the key, right? Wow! What a key. Only God knows what it's like to have the key to get in & out forever. Maybe it's cause he's the only one who knows the value of what's inside my heart??? Maybe it's all about who decides to cherish the key as long as God will? hmmm... Something for all of us to think about, huh?

reloadIt

2009-10-22T00:02:00.001-07:00

can I borrow your gun?
cuz if cupId's bow had a barrell,
we could reloadIt with arrows.

they've traveled past mountains,
through oceans and streams,
shoot, they say they could penetrate,
these crazy computer screens,

used to use them as bars,
dunno if my last one was bent,
seemed like a boomerang,
cuz it was sent right back,

just tryin to reloadIt,
and spread smiles from within,
someday we'll be dancin,
when target's stop spinning,

felt like suicide,
at the same time a mIracle,
shoot, until we're with HIm in Heaven,
we can reloadIt with Love's arrows....

In the middle of the storm...

2009-09-23T09:37:00.001-07:00

When the lights go out in the middle of a storm, always remember those who helped you light the candles.

ProcrastiNATION of Dreams - Can we cash that check now?

2009-09-09T10:48:00.001-07:00

"We the people.." Hey! That's US! :-)

MLK had a dream. It was one that many Americans shared. As part of that dream, he wanted black kids and white kids to play together. We did better than that. We have a black/white man as our President. Yes, parts of the dream aren't fulfilled yet; but, I have that faith that Martin Luther King, Jr. spoke about. I have faith.

46 years later, Obama has a dream. Believe it or not, it's not much
different from the dream that our founders shared, along with MLK.
Unalienable rights - LIFE, love, and the pursuit of happiness. Is LIFE too
much for Americans to ask for? Unfortunately, American LIFE is all too often lost based on the judgements of insurance companies and the pursuit of instantaneous happiness.

Just as MLK stated, "We must not walk alone." Our President needs us. He needs ALL Americans to put away our selfish pride and become selfless. I have faith in US.

An AmeriCAN donated their blood when the 29 year old needed those
transfusions. An AmeriCAN wrote that prescription for additional health care hours for Mom when the insurance companies tried to cut them. An AmeriCAN gave that single disabled working AmeriCAN Mom money for her prescription because the ten $30 copays, $200 month premium and $100 emergency room visits consumed her paycheck and tax return. An AmeriCAN helped the single Mother get her children food when she lost her job because of the illness; and, the Short Term Disability
company's denied her claim... despite numerous doctor's statements
that she needed to focus on her health.

I have faith in our President. I have faith AmeriCANs. I have faith in
LIFE. I have faith in US. I believe it WILL happen. I share the dream that we don't continue in the path
of being the ProcrastiNATION Nation. I can only hope that we start down the path of being the Proactive Nation, 4LIFE.

Let's cash that USA Check 4LIFE, 2DAY. As MLK said, "It would be fatal to overlook the urgency of the moment..." literally....

p.s. Praying that this dream blog doesn't end up in my book series, "Embracing Crazy - Delusional Dreams". haha.

Choices

2009-09-09T10:30:00.001-07:00

9 umbrellas

1 ladybug tent

i can always learn from kiddoz... while i coveted one of the nine umbrellas, the untainted innocent 3 year old went straight for one simple perfect solution.

one simple ladybug tent. i have faith. we will earn our ladybug tent someday.

the answer was right in front of my eyes and i didn't even see it! kids are soooo smart!

Life's A Procrastinated Beach - then we die. :-)

2009-09-09T09:58:00.001-07:00

My inet issues are contributing to my blog contributions to the procrastiNATION nation. stay tuned.

Today I learned that blog posting from phone during the procrastinated 0-2.5 health walks is an art. I procrastinate with a lot of things. Shame on me. :-/ I want to kick this procrastination habit... Pronto. I dunno if I can do it tho... Actually... I'm pretty sure I can't do it alone.

I keep cheating. When me n the gurls went to the beach on labor day, we went to mcdonald's. Don't get me wrong, mcdonald's is quite the bizness. But its a recession and I had to make an impression... 4thakiddoz right?

We were running late becuz I procrastinated on laundry... And, well I procrastinated on laundry bcuz my back hurts cuz I procrastinated on takin care of myself... So I had to hurry to the beach bcuz I promised the gurlz fun in the sun u know... So we ran off without packing lunch... I had to procrastinate on my grocery store run so that we didn't miss the beach run....

Well, I guess I shouldn't say 'run'. Lol we never 'run' to grocery store and we didn't 'run' at the beach. The kids cheated and sang run this town. Cheating didn't sound that bad after that. :-D Neways, I think i'm procrastinating getting to the point of my mcdonalds story... Lol

See, I only had access to 20 dollars that I borrowed from payshance's procrclastinated school fees. Oops, procrastinated. Lol And had procrasrinated on my promise of taking them to the beach all summe. Oops again... 2x. :-) So I felt obligated. U know, 4 the kiddoz. :-D

We got to the beach and couldn't find a grocery store... Perhaps the beach government are procrastinating on that... But we had fun and walked to mcdonald's... Since I only had access to 20 we had to be frugal... Sooo, we hit up the dollar menu... Yes, I didn't see a salad or piece of fruit on there... I decided to procrastinate on my health campaign once again. Yes, I did it again... My backache n diabetic irritated mood swings from previous procrastinations were really bothering us. :-D

I ordered garbage mcdouble, fries, and diet drink. I figured if I was gonna cheat I would do it right. You know, the 'diet' in the drink had to count for something right? Yah... A bunch of formaldehyde waiting to embalm me. So I ask myself, where does this come from? This wonderful art of procrastination...

p.s. please 4give me4my spelling, the recession is helping me to procrastinate on upgrading from this ancient palm centro.. :-D

8th Grade - Breakfast with the gurls.

2009-09-02T16:52:00.001-07:00

The gurlz were chattin during breakfast and Rihanna and Chris Brown came up. It was unanimous that they had Rihanna's back on this one. One of the gurlz said, "If I was Rihanna, I would have punched Chris Brown in the jaw."

For the first time in a long time, I had absolutely nothing to say. I usually will give them advice in their situations. The fact is, everyone reacts differently in stressful situations. I wish I could say some magical words for the cure all to protect our gurlz from domestic violence. Better yet, I wish I could tell them how to prevent it.

If we all only knew exactly what to say. :-(

letter to fam about my health, mostly

2009-09-01T17:49:00.000-07:00

my current goal is to walk 5 miles a day.

i have stopped all my medications except for my blood pressure medicine, mature daily vitamin, and extra strength tylenol as needed for pain. every time i went to the doctor, they would give me more medicine to take. i felt like i was a beaker in a chemistry class waiting to explode and disintegrate.

the wake up call for me was when i went to the pain management dr for a b12 shot because i found out my b12 was low. when i got there, he said he didn't have the shot then tried to give me ambien and 2 other medicines on top of the pain, diabetes, blood pressure, cholesterol, asthma meds i was already taking. i explained to him that i had researched low b12 and alot of the symptoms that i'm having sound like that will help me and that i would really like to reschedule and go with something natural if that is the cause. i was kind of insistent on it; therefore, he rescheduled. i decided i don't particularly care for/trust doctors at that point. don't get me wrong... i think his intentions were good... i just don't think he was treating the problem, just the symptoms.

in my research, i found that our bodies store b12 for 5 years; therefore, whatever is making my b12 low has to have started 5 years ago. it is rare in people my age. it can cause depression, fatigue, etc. i went back for my shot and found that the mature vitamins have 412% b12 in them. so, i have been taking those also. i had bad chest pains last weekend; because, i ran out of my blood pressure meds and ended up in the er. they said that my potassium is low also. so, i'll be looking into a natural solution for that. i imagine that the potassium is low because i've been losing weight at a rate of about 10 lbs a month. i am scared to have the surgery at this point; therefore, i'm just trying to change lifestyle and it seems to be working.

my back pain was terrible last night to the point where i couldn't walk; but, somehow, today i am ok. thank god. :-)

Almost 2 months now.

2009-08-08T12:39:00.001-07:00

single.
celibate.
not looking.
stronger.
blessed.
relieved.

When it feels like this...

2009-08-07T10:07:00.001-07:00

Pray.
Forgive.
Love.
Learn.
Believe.
Strengthen.
Focus.
Repair.
Fly.

Dear Universe,

2009-08-05T14:24:00.001-07:00

I like my puzzles like this.

Please don't hand me another piece.

Thank you and God bless,

Linnea :-)

To my future king I haven't met yet.

2009-08-02T19:40:00.001-07:00

part 1.

I can honestly say one thing. I trusted again... with everything that I had in me. THAT was an accomplishment.

I'll walk with my head held high.

I'll give 100% truth again.

I'll embrace the pains in my past and convert them to good.

I'll produce a clean slate of trust.

I'll cook your breakfast in bed with a smile on my face.

I'll light the candles at night, minus the fear.

I'll massage your back with no regrets.

I'll wash your feet with no embarrassment.

The ultimate fear of humiliation that has been used to control me for 20 years is gone. If I couldn't handle it, it wouldn't have been handed to me.

I've realized that everything that could have been taken from me has been taken. I'm taking my life back now... for you... my future king, my friends & family around me.

I promise not to hold them against you. Please... don't hold it against me.

ima let the payshance speak it this time.. lol :-)

2009-05-28T15:18:00.001-07:00

A repost from Payshance's private blog...

Thursday, October 02, 2008

determined

determined to live a life of his word

believing is what im seeing

i see the lord guiding me on the road of life

preparing me for a battle

a battle the defines love from hate

a confusion that will stand in this world untill an example a warrior, a soldiar, a survivor of the paths that come along to when the bees of the swamp come and the swirl of a the meaning of a broom swipe all of human life in the east, west, south, and north occurs

and the day the lord will define our souls of good or evil.....well that...will be the day i will not use my sword but my words... my voice, myyyyy love, my heart and all of this that defines me my soul, all i would, WILL devote to him whenever....and whoever will try to stop me....well i'll just have to pray for them wont i......finding the clues to my path like the one that got me sent here this is my new start...this is a new beginning..this is the day my journey will start changing lives...showing them teaching them holding them is what i'll do becuase to all... good or evil, even the ones who egresivily put a sword through a heart in a relitive of theres and mine...i will still keep the hand of the lords upon my soul blessing me showing me telling me how to try and help lead your lives....each individual.....the day i make it to my destination hearts will change...how?....with the lord beside me i can acheive wonders for them in a way of only his directions will lead me to...so come and join the fight...or live a life of fright...know that theres only one god and he lives...

MLSH - The Scariest Part

2009-05-26T23:25:00.001-07:00

The last time I blogged about MLSH (My Life Starts Here), I was really excited about the new changes that are coming soon in my life. Someone close to me helped me realize that I'm more scared than I thought about this new journey. I knew fear was going to be part of my journey; however, I didn't think I would ever find this to be a factor... much less the scariest part.

You see, I've kind of kept those close to me who like me just the way I am. What's wrong with that right? Well, I've kind of kept a wall up. If one word describes me better than the "crazy" label that I've acquired, it's strong. Anyone who knows me knows that it's not easy to be around me after you've lost my trust. I'll always love; but, It's not easy to give 100% to someone that's hurt you in the past.

I'm realizing that I am very appreciative and love those who accept me with all the labels I've been given lately. I am also aware that there are going to be many changes in me. Not only will I be changing physically, I'll be a new person in a sense of my lifestyle and potential. I know... it's kind of a scary thought.

Why?

You see, I truly feel that I'm a beautiful person inside and out. At this point, my #1 goal is not to become more beautiful. My ultimate goal is to feel the best that I can. I have soooo many things that I'm supposed to do... for my babies if no1 else. I have to do what I have to so that I can do what I need to everyone that I love... including myself.

Now, I have just realized today that I have been pretty focused on changing me. It's not that I'm unhappy with the labels. I will ALWAYS have some kind of label. What

ramblings

2009-05-19T17:38:00.001-07:00

She was smart as a whip
College at 16
She had no intent
To reunite with her king
She loved so deep
Yet couldn't believe
any man on this earth
wouldn't be mean
see she'd been thru alot
and couldn't let go
she said in her thoughts
she had to be bold
every man in her life
had hurt her before
some wasn't her fault
but others had sworn
she put a hole in their heart
but she had to ignore
she had to do something
she could take no more
she vowed to herself
that she never would trust

this time was different...

she let down her guard
more than ever before
she opened her heart
and received much more
she loved in the past
but it didn't compare
she realizes now
that she wasn't aware
they wanted her heart
along with her brain
by guarding her treasures
she was the one who caused pain
see they wanted a girl
who would hold them down
she wanted too much
to prevent her frown
she can't promise more
in the years to come
it's gonna take a while
for her issues to be gone
infatuation was great
she had much love
but realizes now
there's much more to come
she can contribute so much
and has been holding back
she now has to learn
not only how to love...

but even harder for her,
to allow love in return.

Loving can cost a lot. Not loving always costs more. A lack of love is an emptiness that robs the joy from life. 1Cor.13:1-13/16:13,14

Business vs. Pleasure

2009-05-19T17:27:00.001-07:00

Infatuation Vs. Soulmate/BFF

2009-05-19T14:38:00.001-07:00

Big difference. Count the ways.

http://searchwarp.com/swa391496.htm

Elena Krasnova (48)

The Soulmate Guide

We often confuse infatuation for true love. How can we really tell the difference? Here are some useful pointers.

A commonly mistaken interpretation of infatuation is that it is "love at first sight". As soon as you meet, you feel this incredible attraction to the other person to the point where you can't let go. You get instantly attached and dependent on the object of your attraction, much like you do on a drug.

Biologically, infatuation is caused by secretion of vast amounts of a brain neurochemical called phenylethylamine. When supplied with plenty of this neurochemical, the body experiences an exhilarating high similar to that of cocaine or ecstasy. And just like we easily get addicted to these substances, we also get addicted to our own brain chemicals and literally experience withdrawal when they are cut off. That's why someone who is infatuated will often say: "I can't live without my partner!"

The purpose behind the secretion of phenylethylamine is quite simple: to ensure the continuation of our species, basically to get us to reproduce. That's why infatuation is very often characterized as "amazing chemistry". But that's all it is. In a nutshell, infatuation is nothing more than a chemical high.

Love is not a chemical high. While it is common for couples in love to have "amazing chemistry" which may have begun as infatuation, their relationship goes far beyond the realms of sexual attraction. True love entails a soul connection: a fundamental bond on the energy level, that level of subatomic particles where you both vibrate together in perfect harmony. True love is a connection in itself, not just an attraction based on hormones and neurochemicals.

It may be disappointing for some to hear that there is no such thing as "love at first sight". No matter how hard romance novels and movies try to perpetuate the idea, true love just doesn't work like that. You can have a connection at first sight, but feelings of love take time to develop. True love grows and changes over the course of the relationship. It is not a steady high, like infatuation, which eventually fades and never comes back. The bottom line is that you must spend time with the other person for feelings of true love to really encompass you both

Rough draft from my book... Embracing Crazy... :-)

2009-05-17T18:56:00.000-07:00

I remember as a little girl watching I dream of Jeanie and running around the house. I'd cross my arms and blink my eyes. I did it for things like cleaning my room and stuff like that. Needless to say, my room never magically got clean. I had to do it all by my lonesome. :-) I learned through the years that it's pretty much the same story. It doesn't matter what the dream is, if I want it to be reality, I can't just blink my eyes. It was all an illusion.

One of my dreams has been to try to be the best Mom in the world. That didn't happen either. I tried and worked hard at it; but, I'm not perfect. I'll still keep trying though. Anyways, part of that dream is trying to prevent some of the bad things from happening to ALL of my kiddos.

I've been trying to just forget it and move on; but, that doesn't really solve anything. Writing about it isn't going to change what happened either; but, I must say this... A friend who blogs alot once said that if you have some old shit bothering you, you need to write or whatever to get all that out. She basically said it's not healthy and even causes tumors and stuff. Crazy stuff. I had already decided to write my book at the time and kept running into writer's block. I keep worrying about what others will think and what not.

My initial reason was to help prevent others from tragedies. Now writing is more than that. It's something I now know I have to do before I can move on. Here it goes....

I’ve had the priviledge of seeing my dead Mother twice in the past 24 hours. I was going through my daily spell of feeling like shit. I’m sure my sugar was around 250. I was fighting writer’s block and had been trying to write a chapter of my “Embracing Crazy” book again. The scene was all too familiar to me so it didn’t bother me at all. I was forced to lay down because of the intense feelings of back pain, throbbing heart and intense drowsiness.

I laid down on the couch next to my cluttered desk. I quickly fell into a not so light sleep. It’s kind of not possible to sleep deep when you’re in pain and whining because you feel so bad. I had woken a couple of times to Payshance laughing at the TV and Jordan slamming the kitchen cabinets. I don’t know how long it was that I had wondered off into this sleep; but, I woke up crying. I saw my Mom. That was great. The conditions of seeing her weren’t that great.

+++++++++++++ Not ready to share Dream #1 yet. :-) ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Dream #2

We were living life regular when my dead Mom came to visit. She came to pick me up and she said she was taking me to meet this lady. It was as if I wasn't me and I was soooo excited to meet this person. We started driving into this neighborhood of cookie cutter houses. They weren’t just regular cookie cutter houses though. They were like modern day castles though. I shouldn’t even really say it was a neighborhood. It seemed like a whole town. Everyone had the same beautiful type castles with coned roofs here and there. It was amazing. Mom and I were talking small talk and I was asking questions trying to figure out who this stranger was. I remember feeling like a kid again on a road trip with Nana. She always was so patient and had a way of making them so fun. As we got closer, she stopped and said. It’s this one right here. Immediately, the scene jumped.

My kids and I had spent the night in this castle/house. I was in a good mood and we seemed so happy. Nana didn’t seem to be around anymore so I get the feeling she dropped me off. The feeling was that somehow this castle was ours. We woke up to a ring at the doorbell and Payshance and buttercup were standing at the door. Payshance was getting ready to open the door when I stopped her. She knows she isn’t supposed to answer the door. I guess she thought since buttercup was there and we weren’t in the ghetto anymore that it would be ok. I immediately stopped her. I told her that I’ll get it. I walked down the stairs and could see the mail lady from behind swinging her straight dark ponytail that was pulled through her baseball cap. She was walking away from the 2x2x4 mailbox that was by the door. I went to the mailbox and could see that it wasn’t official mail from usps. It was some kind of delivery. I looked in and saw a ton of fun looking things and I could immediately tell they were from Nana. I felt like the easter bunny had just dropped off his eggs or something. I immediately yelled to Payshance and took all the fun things out.

As I was walking back towards the door, I was greeted by Payshance and the other kids. I started giving them their neatly wrapped treats and I noticed that there was a paper in there for me.

It was a letter titled, “She had her mother”. I immediately knew that it couldn’t be for the kids and was so excited that Nana had remembered me too. I wasn’t expecting anything. I was always so happy to see her giving spirit bless the kids. That was always enough for me.

I sat down on the couch in the sitting room. The kids grabbed the other stuff and ran into the other room to see what Nana had left them. As I started to read, my heart sank. The letter on the top of the packet started something like this.

She Had Her Mother

I am now 22 and have eve searched by contacting CNN and Oprah to find you.

The letter went on to talk about how the 22 year old knew that her mother had given her away and that she was trying to find her Mother. She talked about how she was somewhat jealous because her Mother had her Mother growing up and she didn’t. The letter was resentful yet loving.

I immediately started balling and when the kids came running in to ask, I told them that they have a 22 year old sister. I woke up to me crying, “Oh, God.”

The weird thing about the girl who wrote the letter and who I was so excited to meet is that she was me. I don’t get it.

As i write this, I hear...

Embracing Crazy... Walk In My Shoes

2009-05-16T16:24:00.000-07:00

Eminem's new song Beautiful reminded me of an old blog... had to revisit another one. It's crazy to read these after time goes by. I NEED TO WRITE MORE.

HERE IT GOES. :-)

September 14, 2008 - Sunday
Walk In My Shoes
Current mood: calm
Category: Life
Walk In My Shoes

Walk in my shoes,

8.5 in size.

Walk in my shoes,

they'll show u my life.

Walk in my shoes,

white as a dove.

Walk in my shoes,

overflowing with love.

Walk in my shoes,

so fresh and so clean.

Walk in my shoes,

you'll see what i mean.

Walk in my shoes,

the brand is what's in.

Walk in my shoes,

they'll hide where i've been.

Walk in my shoes,

insides tattered and torn.

Walk in my shoes,

always absent through thorns.

Walk in my shoes,

day after day.

Walk in my shoes,

you'll have no choice but to pray.

Walk in my shoes,

so nice in ur eyes.

Walk in my shoes,

life's trials they'll hide.

Walk in my shoes,

striving to step towards the best.

Walk in my shoes,

they won't let you rest.

Walk in my shoes,

come along for the ride.

Walk in my shoes,

it's worth a try.

Walk in my shoes,

taken for granted by them.

Walk in my shoes,

hiding tears deep within.

Walk in my shoes,

through just another storm.

Walk in my shoes,

they'll protect u 4 sure.

Walk in my shoes,

ignorant trauma no more.

Walk in my shoes,

better years evermore.

--------------Me

If you think this blog is about you...

2009-05-09T10:33:00.001-07:00

OK... I have several people in my life. I write blogs about what I'm feeling prompted to at the moment. I try not to direct my blogs toward people. I direct them to "situations". If your "situation" puts you in the position of feeling that I'm directing it towards you. I can't help you with that. Those are guilt issues that you will have to deal with on your own. If it sounds like you and hits a soft spot, it doesn't mean that I care about you or even know what your "situation" is.

Personal attacks against me from someone who knows NOTHING about me are only amusing; however, if you're going to make them, you really should do your research. I have plenty of sins I've committed in my life. I'm sure it's too many for certain people to count. Let me set one thing straight though, having my FOUR beautiful children was not something I regret. Leaving their 3 loser "fathers" was the second thing I don't regret. I'd much rather raise my beautiful, intelligent, blessed children alone than raise them with an ASSHOLE. :-) (Sorry if that hits another soft spot! hehe)

I'll be praying for your peace and security. While you're busy stalking us, texting me and tweeting about my family, I'll be busy using my energy to figure out how to save little girls like YOURS and MINE from ASSHOLES and CHILD MOLESTERS like you. :-)

If you think this blog is direct to you this time, it probably is. I'll be praying for you. Seriously.

God bless!

I CAN find time for this... RED FLAGS.

2009-05-08T06:18:00.001-07:00

Taken from: http://www.theredflagcampaign.org/index.php/dating-violence/red-flags-for-abusive-relationships/

Red Flags for Abusive Relationships
The following is a list of warning signs for potentially abusive relationships. They are presented as guidelines and cues to pay attention to, not as judgments on the worth of the other person.

Question relationships with partners who:

Abuse alcohol or other drugs.

Have a history of trouble with the law, get into fights, or break and destroy property.

Don’t work or go to school.

Blame you for how they treat you, or for anything bad that happens.

Abuse siblings, other family members, children or pets.

Put down people, including your family and friends, or call them names.

Are always angry at someone or something.

Try to isolate you and control whom you see or where you go.

Nag you or force you to be sexual when you don’t want to be.

Cheat on you or have lots of partners.

Are physically rough with you (push, shove, pull, yank, squeeze, restrain).

Take your money or take advantage of you in other ways.

Accuse you of flirting or “coming on” to others or accuse you of cheating on them.

Don’t listen to you or show interest in your opinions or feelings. . .things always have to be done their way.

Ignore you, give you the silent treatment, or hang up on you.

Lie to you, don’t show up for dates, maybe even disappear for days.

Make vulgar comments about others in your presence

Blame all arguments and problems on you.

Tell you how to dress or act.

Threaten to kill themselves if you break up with them, or tell you that they cannot live without you.

Experience extreme mood swings. . .tell you you’re the greatest one minute and rip you apart the next minute.

Tell you to shut up or tell you you’re dumb, stupid, fat, or call you some other name (directly or indirectly).

Compare you to former partners.

Some other cues that might indicate an abusive relationship might include:

You feel afraid to break up with them.

You feel tied down, feel like you have to check-in.

You feel afraid to make decisions or bring up certain subjects so that the other person won’t get mad.

You tell yourself that if you just try harder and love your partner enough that everything will be just fine.

You find yourself crying a lot, being depressed or unhappy.

You find yourself worrying and obsessing about how to please your partner and keep them happy.

You find the physical or emotional abuse getting worse over time.

Swine flu or Neanderthink bug... Choices, hmmmmm....

2009-05-06T16:52:00.001-07:00

Neanderthink is a choice. Swine flu isn't. Simple huh?

October 17, 2007 - Wednesday

That damned NEANDERTHINK bug...
Current mood: confused
Category: Romance and Relationships

I'm just sitting here trying to figure out why it is that alot of people around me are still going through the same old games and drama, no matter the age.

Checking messages on "their" man or woman's phone...

Checking myspace messages...

Looking for suspicious numbers...

Demanding "their" mate choose between "their" friends (opposite or same gender)...

Following "their" mate to find out where they're really going...

Popping up unexpectedly...

Checking phone records...

Taking pictures...

Setting up cameras...

Hiring private detectives...

Breaking stuff...

Becoming physically violent...

Being verbally abusive...

Simply being nosey for the purpose of catching "their" mate being unfaithful.

Wow... I've read that it's called "Neanderthink". I'm feeling abnormal lately because all that stuff isn't worth my time or energy and it seems to be the "in" trend. It's crazy when you see thirty, forty and fifty year olds doing stuff like that. I don't seem to understand. It seems like it's all around me. It goes both ways too. It's not just a girl being possessive and it's not just a guy being abusive. "Neanderthink" doesn't discriminate.

When a mate messes up, all "Neanderthink" symptoms become exaggerated and it's for nothing because the two usually end up together... regardless of the facts. It seems like a big ball of wasted energy to me. Pointless.

I just don't wanna deal with that damned "Neanderthink"bug. I say often that it's hard for me to trust; but, I think I'm wrong cause I probably trust too much. I trust completely that if a dude don't see what he's got with me, that's his loss. (Sounds kinda cocky, doesn't it? I really think I'm not though.) If a guy who likes me prefers the possessive "Neanderthink" attention instead of a focus on moving forward towards a progressive, positive, fulfilling, and happy life without drama, he's liking the wrong woman.

Maybe I'm lazy when it comes to love? Maybe I just analyze too much and read into stuff? Hmmmm.....

As soon as I get a sign that a guy is gonna be possessive with me... it's a big red flag & I back off. I guess I'm in the other part of my fantasy world right now where you can have love with mutual respect and "Neanderthink" isn't a required ingredient.

Hmmm.... maybe I should try the possessive "Neanderthink" role for a while. After all, it is what everyone else is doing. I fell for the myspace trap, why not "Neanderthink"? Naw, I've got other shit on my plate to deal with. Work, kids, business 1, school, events, holidays, dr. appointments. You know, normal shit. -----------business 2, business 3, gifted kids, goals, myspace, websites, promotions, performances. You know, not so normal shit.

No time for bugs here.

I'd rather be alone the rest of my life than to deal with the petty immature "Neanderthink" bug. Some jealousy is ok in a relationship; but, when it comes to invading your dude or girl's privacy, I feel like it's went into "Enough" mode aka "Neanderthink". If you're feeling like you've been struck by the "Neanderthink" bug, then chances are that something wasn't right in the relationship in the first place. You had your gut feeling and it won't matter what you found/find, you're gonna believe what you want.

If I get that gut feeling I'd rather detatch myself and focus on something positive to bring up others or my relationship. Focusing on the potential negatives will only cause stress in any area of life. So, if he/she wasn't cheating, are you determined to make him miserable by focusing on the negatives for the sheer satisfaction of being "right"? It all seems like too much work to me and it's way to common.

I guess I would prefer focusing all my creative energy into doing something nice and different for my guy. That private detective budget would make much more sense to me being used to go on a cruise with my man.

What happened to that "Love" bug? I wonder if that's the "Neanderthink"'s food source. Damn food chain!!!

Who knows maybe it's just a matter of time before the "Neanderthink" bug catches up with me again like in my teens and early twenties. Hopefully, it's like the chicken pox and I won't get it again. Wait, my case of "Neanderthink" wasn't that severe... I wonder if that increases my chances of getting it again. I wonder if they're trying to come up with a "Neanderthink" vaccine. Hey! Jordan wants to be a scientist... maybe he'll invent the vaccine! Better yet, maybe he'll invent the cure and win a nobel peace prize or something!!! Maybe it's the VITAMIN C I've been taking that's helping me stay immune for the moment? I think I'm off to Costco to stock up. SHEW "NEANDERTHINK" bug, don't bother me!!!! haha !!!! :-)

EXCERPTS FROM : http://psychologytoday.com/articles/pto-20060721-000004.html

Jealousy is either a fine featherduster or a blunt mallet, depending on how we perceive our own value on the mate market. Fine featherduster I choose to be.

Harmful jealousy springs from a weak sense of self. I think that's from both ends of the relationship, right?

Rational jealousy, which is a passionate concern and respect for the relationship ("Although I prefer your love, I never need a guarantee of it"), can help us attend to our partner's feelings without the rage, self-criticism and despair that characterize Neanderthink jealousy.

Neanderthink jealousy operates most often as a demand for constant reassurance that you will always be the first and only being in your partner's life and that you'd be diminished if your partner rejected you. I refuse to be diminished by the lack of anyone but God in my life.

By accepting that perfect reassurance cannot really exist and that you do not absolutely need it, you can redirect your efforts to improving your relationship. The energy spent seeking an ironclad guarantee of fidelity could be better spent, say, being the fun-loving person with whom your partner would want to have an affair. Girls just wanna have fun!!! :-)

Jealousy implies a shaky sense of self. Demanding chronic reassurance from your mate is a bottomless pit. Instead, remind yourself that:

You are a whole person with or without your mate, but because you prefer a good relationship, you will maintain open and honest communication.

Your sense of self is best kept independent of your mate. You can function as an autonomous human being in a relationship.

Harmful jealousy is a measure not of love but of insecurity. Appropriate jealousy prompts you to address any problems in the relationship.

Rage, vengeance and self-hatred are clues that your jealousy has morphed into Neanderthink.

Irrational jealousy may once have served rational ends, but no one has the power to make you feel bad about yourself—unless you grant it.

Debbie Gibson's Media Promo for Payshance's show

2009-04-23T15:52:00.001-07:00

Howdy, Campers!

Hope all is well -- here are some radio and TV promo dates this week that Deborah is doing with a few of the camp students to promote the Electric Youth Benefit on the 28th -- make sure you tune in!!

Thanks!

Patrick

April 23, Thursday (radio)

7:05 AM -- Interview K-Earth 101 - The Gary Bryan Morning Show (Daniel Bateman & Deborah)

April 24, Friday (TV)

4:45 AM-- Skype interview with The Daily Buzz (national syndicated show)

5:40 AM Live 10 second tease on KTLA

5:48 AM Live three minute hit with Allie MacKay on KTLA

6:32 AM Live 10 second tease on KTLA

6:38 AM Live three minute hit with Allie MacKay on KTLA

7:11 AM Live 10 second tease on KTLA

7:23 AM Live three minute hit with Allie MacKay on KTLA

9:00 AM Taped segment with Allie MacKay on KTLA

It's My Bubble

2009-04-18T08:26:00.001-07:00

My Twittascope: Cancer
You often need the physical closeness of those you love, yet today you may have resistance to anyone else's advances. Your current emotional retreat won't likely be from fear of intimacy; rather you are working on becoming more independent and this is one way for you to make progress. Stretching your wings is healthy; just don't alienate your most loyal supporters in the process. Saturday, April 18, 2009

dang!!!! that was right on the money... i've been blessed with the most wonderful man in my life... he's by my side even thru all my crazy mood swings.... when he's here, i'm the happiest woman alive... when I start thinking about it I start to question a couple of things tho... it seems too good to be true and my fight or flight instinct kicks in.... I try to push him away like I have every other man in my life... u see I have had this bubble around me for a long time when it comes to men... who wouldn't when they have been thru the shit I have??? I have had chances with some of the best and most respected men; but, I never allowed them to really get close enuf to see the real me... my last little heartbreak woke me up to that... I didn't really realize that it could be a mistake but I think it was...

after 19 years apart, i'm now blessed to be reunited with someone from my past that I can share every little bit of my world with, good & bad... I keep finding myself trying to push him away... I guess i'm waiting for him to wanna leave like everyone else... opening up my bubble is a new concept in my life and a man who's by my side regardless is a new concept too. i'm feeling worse every day that i've not only pushed away those who have tried to get close... but i've blamed them for leaving when i've never really given my all...

it's all some scary stuff right now and i've vowed to either become lesbian or a nun if this doesn't work out... u can laugh, but i'm kinda serious at this point... I don't think i'll ever take this chance again in my life.

MLSH - My Life Starts Here

2009-04-08T06:54:00.001-07:00

i miss all of you in arizona sooo much... this move to cali has been rewarding and demanding at the same time... i've been blessed with some of the realest people... it's good for me. :-)

anywayz, there are a ton of changes coming up in my life and i am so excited to start on the road to... umm I CAN'T TELL U YET!!!.. Lol

For now, I just wanted to let you all know that you can now catch up with me in one of these places... i'm still learning them so plz be patient w/me. :-)

myspace - http://www.myspace.com/myspacemomma
twitter - http://twitter.com/myspacemomma
facebook - linnea anderson
blogspot - http://myspacemomma.blogspot.com/

i have an announcement coming up for another cool site out there... i wasn't able to get it done today; and, just wanted to post this blog as promised before midnite... :-)

if i haven't heard from you in a while (especially if u r one of my adopted kiddos), i'm dedicated to trying to get back to everyone who messages me, even if it's from my phone or something ... it's gonna be hard; but, i'ma do my best... :-) i miss u guys... alot!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Have a good rest of the week and keep checking here, i'll be posting on twitter in the future if a post a blog, here or anywhere else..

Why does Jesus make cactus hurt?

2008-05-12T02:21:00.001-07:00

I was really confused when I heard the little 4 year old boy at the ymca ask his Daddy, "why does Jesus make cactus hurt?" The little boy carried himself with such a sweet spirit. He was innocently and intelligently asking a question that was way beyond his years. The question seemed simple, but the boy was obviously one that caught my attention. There are a few kids that stand out to me. He was one. By this little boy opening his mouth with one little question, he has made me think about him and his sweet smile for days...

That little boy didn't know it; but, his simple words blessed me at just the right time.I told Payshance what the boy said and she immediately told me, "water". Ok, so here are two children answering a question that I ask myself often. Why is there so much pain in this world? Why are people so mean? Why do people steal? Why don't people just tell the truth?

If you think about it, there are alot of things in this world that are able to be open and closed. Mouths, Eyes, Arms, Doors, Windows, etc. The list goes on. Before our birth, we were all sealed in our Mother's womb with all that water surrounding us. Why? To shelter us from the harshness of this cruel world. We weren't meant to stay there though, were we??? If we didn't ever make it out of the womb, we would have never known or felt the blessings such as other people, fresh air, and sunshine. We also would have never know of such annoyances as pain, bugs, loss, betrayal, etc. Worst of all, people would have never known us.

We open our mouths when we want to be heard, our eyes when we want to see, we open house doors to let people in or go out, We lock the doors and close our eyes when it's time to rest and try to be in peace. We open windows to experience the pleasant things of the outside world, you know, sunshine, fresh air, etc. We close those when the bugs and ugly things of the world try to come in.

Have you ever been in a dream and you try to wake up and force your eyes open, and then the dream continues and you think you're awake but you're really not? Then you open your eyes and realize that it was all a dream? I remember having that a couple of times in my life. The feeling when I truly woke up was so irritating because I felt like I was almost betrayed by my brain for not waking up when I wanted it to; and, I was almost angry because I was not in control of that situation, that dream. The only times that happened was when the dream was bad. I wanted to open my eyes. I wanted to see the light. We open our eyes when we come into this world to see what's around us... other wise we would always be sleeping. That would be pretty boring.

Doors and windows are made to be opened and closed. We open doors & windows to let people in, fresh air in, you know, the good things in life. We close them when people leave, when we get tired or uncomfortable. It's our choice if we stay inside, leave them open, open them again to the same elements, or close and lock them temporarily or forever. Sometimes we use screens to filter out the bugs or the things that get annoying. They're mainly annoying; but, sometimes deadly. We usually lock everything up when it's time to be sheltered from all the cruel things in the world.

We open our arms when we need a hug or when someone else needs one. We close them when we need to protect our heart. All of us do it sometimes, it's human and what helps us learn when to close and open them. There's only one person whose arms are always open, God's. That's how we know open things are a blessing. He lets us come and go as we please. He wants us to learn. We can always crawl back into that safe place in his arms when we are ready. He doesn't force us. He just loves us unconditionally and leaves them open so we can end up back there when we need a hug most.

Not only does staying inside protect us from the world; but, it also shelters us from sharing the gifts God gave us; consequently, we keep ourself from blessing those around us. Inside the cactus lies the water that many lives have been saved from when they were lost in the desert... although the things that we enjoy such as fresh air and sunshine are so readily available, we find that what inside is where we find the necesseties of life.

Just like we weren't meant to stay in our mother's wombs, we aren't meant to always close our arms and protect our hearts, and the cactus wasn't meant to just stay in the desert and hurt people with it's thorns. It has a purpose just like everyone else. If the cactus didn't allow itself to be opened, many lives would have died in deserts of dehydration. It only reminds me that we have to cut through the uncomfortable things and thorns in life to be able to be blessed by what's on the outside. Inside those things that hurt and immobilize us lie some of the biggest blessings; but, we'll never appreciated them if we don't explore the outside and all the elements.

As much as I'd like, I'd love to lock my heart in the treasure chest that it deserves to keep it from being hurt by all the things that have and probably will hurt it. I'd take a a bible, my kids, a cactus (without the thorns), and my heart and lock them up with me 4ever. I guess that wasn't God's plan for the cactus cuz it can't live without sunshine and it wasn't his plan for me either. I'm destined to keep floating in and out of my personal treasure chest/God's arms until my chest is buried and his arms are closed hopefully hugging me forever. It's a must to come out so that I can bless others and I can learn from my endlist list of mistakes in my life.

A friend of mine once told me, "Nay, Nay. You have to share, that's how he gives us our blessings." I'm so scared of not being in control of my heart being hurt, I've been looking for the the key to that open treasure chest so that I'm the one in control of who goes in and out. :-( That key is in God's hands, not mine. I just realized I've been trying to take it from him. How dumb can I be. He knows when i need to hide in his arms. He knows when the treasure chest needs to be closed. He knows who to let in. He knows when I need out and when I need it to be closed. He's in control so I don't have to be. No human holds that key. No one.

I'm so relieved.

God bless... :-)

THE FLAME WITHIN...

2008-02-24T15:25:00.001-08:00

THE HIGHER OUR ULTIMATE PLACE ON THE MOUNTAIN OF LIFE, THE LONGER THE ROAD. HE ONLY GIVES US WHAT WE CAN HANDLE. WE STAND OUT FOR A REASON. I KNOW THAT OUR PURPOSE IS MUCH HIGHER THAN THE GREATNESS WE'VE ALREADY ACHIEVED.

AFTER ALL, WE'RE STILL HERE RIGHT? THE FACT IS, IT'S NOT OVER YET. :-)
CHILD OR ADULT, IT DOESN'T REALLY MATTER. I TRULY BELIEVE THAT OUR ULTIMATE ACHIEVEMENTS AND INATE FLAMING DESIRE TO REACH THEM WERE WRITTEN PRIOR TO THE ENTERING OF OUR MOTHER'S WOMB. BOTH CHILDREN AND ADULTS HAVE MADE GREAT DIFFERENCES IN THIS CRUEL WORLD. GOOD AND BAD EXPERIENCES IN THE PAST ARE PREPARING US FOR OUR FUTURE. AS MUCH AS WE'D LIKE TO SHELTER EVERY CHILD FROM FIRE, OUR JOURNEY UP THE MOUNTAIN STARTS FROM THE DAY WE ARE BORN. IF WE HAVE A HIGHER POINT UP THE MOUNTAIN, IT ONLY MAKES SENSE THAT WE WOULD NEED AND WANT TO START OUR JOURNEY EARLY, RIGHT?

THE FACT IS, ALL OF OUR PURPOSES ARE DIFFERENT (NOT THAT ONE IS MORE IMPORTANT THAN ANOTHER), IT'S JUST THAT THE CHALLENGES ARE DIFFERENT. EVERY LAYER OF DIRT, TREE, BUSH, DROP OF WATER AND ANIMAL (YUK!) ON THE MOUNTAIN COUNTS IN OUR JOURNEY TO OUR ULTIMATE SPOT ON THE MOUNTAIN. OUR PERSONAL PURPOSES SOMETIMES DETERMINE HOW LOUD OUR PERSONAL "VOICES" ARE WHEN IT'S TIME TO SCREAM "FIRE". THE MORE WE'VE BEEN THROUGH, THE "LOUDER" WE CAN SPEAK TRUTH WHEN THE TIME IS RIGHT IN OUR COURSE OF PERSONAL PROGRESSION UP THE MOUNTAIN OF LIFE.

SORRY, I HATE TO SAY IT; BUT, IT'S OUR DESTINY AND WE CAN'T GET OFF THE WHEEL OF LIFE. THE STRONGER THE FLAME IS, THE BIGGER THE FIRE, THE LOUDER THE VOICE WITHIN. MAYBE THE ANSWER IS TO KEEP THE WHEEL MOVING? WE SHOULD MOVE FORWARD WHEN IT'S OUR "PERSONAL BEST" TIME TO DO SO. WE ARE ALL HUMAN; BUT, OUR PURPOSE IS HIGHER. THE ONLY WAY TO DEAL WITH CATCHING FIRE AS A HUMAN IS TO STOP & ANALYZE THE SITUATIONS, DROP EVERYTHING OTHER THAN US AND ROLL THE WHEEL TO OUR NEXT LEVEL.

UNFORTUNATELY, I'M NOT SURE WE CAN PUT OUT EVERY FIRE AT ANY AGE. SOMETIMES WE JUST HAVE TO DRAW THE BOUNDARIES AND LET THEM BURN OUT, MERGE, OR JUST PLAIN BLOW UP. ALL WE CAN DO IS WAIT UNTIL WE HAVE THE DISGUISED BLESSING OF DEALING WITH THE LINGERING SMOKE FROM THAT NEXT LEVEL?

BOTH FIRE AND WATER CAN BE DETRIMENTAL IF WE LET THEM. THEY AREN'T ALWAYS NEGATIVE. THE FEAR OF OUR PERSONAL FIRE IS PROBABLY THE BIGGEST OBSTACLE. (IT DOESN'T MATTER IF IT'S US OR SOMEONE ELSE WHO IS FEARING IT.) WE JUST HAVE TO DISCOVER HOW TO "WELD", "COOK"", ETC. AND MAKE THE FIRE WORK FOR US. (I'M STILL LEARNING TOO. ) THE RESULTING "INVENTIONS" AND "CREATIVE DISHES" ARE QUITE POSSIBLY BETTER THAN ANYTHING WE'VE EVER SEEN, TASTED, HEARD, AND/OR FELT.

HANDS DOWN, EVEN AFTER THE FIRE DIES OUT AND THE WATER DRIES OUT, THE MOUNTAIN STILL STANDS AND OUR PLACE ON IT WILL NEVER DISAPPEAR.
GOD BLESS AND MUCH LUV!