TheEmptyChapter...

ugh...... i just read this old blog (scroll down to read) from when i was in az. today, i am so confused and mad at myself for writing that. it makes me dizzy and feel like i wanna faint because i am so sick about how smart i made myself sound about love.

the past months have taught me that i don't choose who loves and cares about me. God does. how could i have ever thought that i would be the one to control that? why would i even want to control that? who did i think i was? who does that make me now?

days like this make me more and more grateful for the beautiful people in my life who have cared about me... little things count now... lately it seems people have cared about us more than ever... sometimes more than i cared about myself. sometimes i think about the little things that our family has been blessed with and i wonder why.

i know it sounds weird; but, i feel guilty for people caring about me sometimes. it's not that i don't want to be loved or cared about, it's just that i want to figure out how to do it by myself. it seems the more i try to do things on my own, the more dependent i become on the world around me.

a hall of famer (literally) friend in az told me before i got sick last year that i thought i didn't deserve to be treated well. i denied it. i look back and realize that i didn't even know what he was talking about. he did. he always had my family's best interest in mind and i thought it was too good to be true. i've done that with several people.

all i can say is that it's no wonder i'm at an empty page in my life. it's been an empty chapter. i miss all my friends and family like crazy. someone come fill in the blanks. pleaaaaaaazee! mmmmmmmkay thx.



****************Throwback Blog***********************

July 11, 2006 - Tuesday
How do you distinguish between loving someone as a soulmate and loving someone as a friend?
Current mood: okay
Category: Romance and Relationships
Entry for July 10, 2006
How do you distinguish between loving someone as a soulmate and loving someone as a friend? When you have so much love in your heart to give, it's hard to tell when you figure out what true love really is. So, I did a bit of research???? Love is defined by webster as:

transitive verb
1 : to hold dear : CHERISH
2 a : to feel a lover's passion, devotion, or tenderness for b (1) : CARESS (2) : to fondle amorously (3) : to copulate with
3 : to like or desire actively : take pleasure in
4 : to thrive in
intransitive verb : to feel affection or experience desire


Main Entry: 1love
Pronunciation: 'l&v
Function: noun
Etymology: Middle English, from Old English lufu; akin to Old High German luba love, Old English lEof dear, Latin lubEre, libEre to please
1 a (1) : strong affection for another arising out of kinship or personal ties (2) : attraction based on sexual desire : affection and tenderness felt by lovers (3) : affection based on admiration, benevolence, or common interests b : an assurance of love
2 : warm attachment, enthusiasm, or devotion
3 a : the object of attachment, devotion, or admiration b (1) : a beloved person : DARLING -- often used as a term of endearment (2) British -- used as an informal term of address
4 a : unselfish loyal and benevolent concern for the good of another: as (1) : the fatherly concern of God for humankind (2) : brotherly concern for others b : a person's adoration of God
5 : a god or personification of love
6 : an amorous episode : LOVE AFFAIR
7 : the sexual embrace : COPULATION
8 : a score of zero (as in tennis)
9 capitalized, Christian Science : GOD
- at love : holding one's opponent scoreless in tennis
- in love : inspired by affection

My conclusion, I am choosing to love when it comes to certain people at this point in my life. I hold dear/love those that are most special in my life. (You know who you are.) Neither the noun nor verb definition of love is defined by a specific type of person, place, or thing other than God. God is the only person guaranteed to receive my love. Therefore, if you're one of those "certain people" then consider yourself lucky!

What's cool about all this is that I can also choose to not embrace/love others; but, I choose to love. If my love is betrayed, I still choose to love. I choose to tailor my love so that I meet the needs of those I care about. I love with the goal to not sacrifice my values and goals for the sake of something that's not guaranteed from any human.

But doesn't love go both ways? There's nothing that says that... it's either to give or recieve... it doesn't have to be both, right? The only love I need to receive in my life is God's love. If I choose to let a person love me, it is a priviledge. I guess my thinking is different than others because it's easier for me to give love than to receive it. I choose to give love because the feeling of being able to give my heart is uncomparable to any other. It's good to be loved; but, better to love. I choose to give love while selectively allowing myself choose those whom I receive love from and when to receive it. Don't let it scare you, I receive freely unless you give me reason not to.

God is the only one who has the master key to my heart. To all others: I love you always; but, I'm sorry that you only hold the temporary key to get in. I've got to be able to change the lock sometimes when the keys are compromised! Sorry! I'll always let the love out; but, in order for you to get in, you have to make sure you don't lose or destroy the key, right? Wow! What a key. Only God knows what it's like to have the key to get in & out forever. Maybe it's cause he's the only one who knows the value of what's inside my heart??? Maybe it's all about who decides to cherish the key as long as God will? hmmm... Something for all of us to think about, huh?