I remember as a little girl watching I dream of Jeanie and running around the house. I'd cross my arms and blink my eyes. I did it for things like cleaning my room and stuff like that. Needless to say, my room never magically got clean. I had to do it all by my lonesome. :-) I learned through the years that it's pretty much the same story. It doesn't matter what the dream is, if I want it to be reality, I can't just blink my eyes. It was all an illusion.
One of my dreams has been to try to be the best Mom in the world. That didn't happen either. I tried and worked hard at it; but, I'm not perfect. I'll still keep trying though. Anyways, part of that dream is trying to prevent some of the bad things from happening to ALL of my kiddos.
I've been trying to just forget it and move on; but, that doesn't really solve anything. Writing about it isn't going to change what happened either; but, I must say this... A friend who blogs alot once said that if you have some old shit bothering you, you need to write or whatever to get all that out. She basically said it's not healthy and even causes tumors and stuff. Crazy stuff. I had already decided to write my book at the time and kept running into writer's block. I keep worrying about what others will think and what not.
My initial reason was to help prevent others from tragedies. Now writing is more than that. It's something I now know I have to do before I can move on. Here it goes....
I’ve had the priviledge of seeing my dead Mother twice in the past 24 hours. I was going through my daily spell of feeling like shit. I’m sure my sugar was around 250. I was fighting writer’s block and had been trying to write a chapter of my “Embracing Crazy” book again. The scene was all too familiar to me so it didn’t bother me at all. I was forced to lay down because of the intense feelings of back pain, throbbing heart and intense drowsiness.
I laid down on the couch next to my cluttered desk. I quickly fell into a not so light sleep. It’s kind of not possible to sleep deep when you’re in pain and whining because you feel so bad. I had woken a couple of times to Payshance laughing at the TV and Jordan slamming the kitchen cabinets. I don’t know how long it was that I had wondered off into this sleep; but, I woke up crying. I saw my Mom. That was great. The conditions of seeing her weren’t that great.
+++++++++++++ Not ready to share Dream #1 yet. :-) ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Dream #2
We were living life regular when my dead Mom came to visit. She came to pick me up and she said she was taking me to meet this lady. It was as if I wasn't me and I was soooo excited to meet this person. We started driving into this neighborhood of cookie cutter houses. They weren’t just regular cookie cutter houses though. They were like modern day castles though. I shouldn’t even really say it was a neighborhood. It seemed like a whole town. Everyone had the same beautiful type castles with coned roofs here and there. It was amazing. Mom and I were talking small talk and I was asking questions trying to figure out who this stranger was. I remember feeling like a kid again on a road trip with Nana. She always was so patient and had a way of making them so fun. As we got closer, she stopped and said. It’s this one right here. Immediately, the scene jumped.
My kids and I had spent the night in this castle/house. I was in a good mood and we seemed so happy. Nana didn’t seem to be around anymore so I get the feeling she dropped me off. The feeling was that somehow this castle was ours. We woke up to a ring at the doorbell and Payshance and buttercup were standing at the door. Payshance was getting ready to open the door when I stopped her. She knows she isn’t supposed to answer the door. I guess she thought since buttercup was there and we weren’t in the ghetto anymore that it would be ok. I immediately stopped her. I told her that I’ll get it. I walked down the stairs and could see the mail lady from behind swinging her straight dark ponytail that was pulled through her baseball cap. She was walking away from the 2x2x4 mailbox that was by the door. I went to the mailbox and could see that it wasn’t official mail from usps. It was some kind of delivery. I looked in and saw a ton of fun looking things and I could immediately tell they were from Nana. I felt like the easter bunny had just dropped off his eggs or something. I immediately yelled to Payshance and took all the fun things out.
As I was walking back towards the door, I was greeted by Payshance and the other kids. I started giving them their neatly wrapped treats and I noticed that there was a paper in there for me.
It was a letter titled, “She had her mother”. I immediately knew that it couldn’t be for the kids and was so excited that Nana had remembered me too. I wasn’t expecting anything. I was always so happy to see her giving spirit bless the kids. That was always enough for me.
I sat down on the couch in the sitting room. The kids grabbed the other stuff and ran into the other room to see what Nana had left them. As I started to read, my heart sank. The letter on the top of the packet started something like this.
I am now 22 and have eve searched by contacting CNN and Oprah to find you.
The letter went on to talk about how the 22 year old knew that her mother had given her away and that she was trying to find her Mother. She talked about how she was somewhat jealous because her Mother had her Mother growing up and she didn’t. The letter was resentful yet loving.
I immediately started balling and when the kids came running in to ask, I told them that they have a 22 year old sister. I woke up to me crying, “Oh, God.”
The weird thing about the girl who wrote the letter and who I was so excited to meet is that she was me. I don’t get it.
As i write this, I hear...
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